You Deserve Us
by ashryverblue
Summary: Oneshot. During ACOWAR, Amren and Feyre at the House of Wind, after the battle in the Summer Court. Amren is Old and Wise. Feyre is Young and Angst Ridden. They discuss feelings and deep shit. Rated T for very very slight mentions of violence.


**AN: This is random? I appreciate that most people come here for ships and smut and so far my SJM oneshots are none of that? But I'm just practising. I might have some feysand stuff in the works but it needs lots of edits so I'm not sure how long that'll take. Bear with me.**

 **Is it noticeable that I sort of channel Yoda when I write Amren?**

 **Thanks for reading and hope y'all enjoy this! :)**

Once I was clean after the battle in Adriata, I winnowed up to the House of Wind for some space. Some quiet to process my thoughts and time to be within myself.

I wore nothing but leggings and a sweater, my bare feet numb with cold against the stone rooftop. I walked to the edge of the terrace and sat down on the wall, facing the sheer drop from the edge of the mountain and the sparkling lights of Velaris below.

I sat there for an indefinite length of time, the minutes slurring into each other. My thoughts wandered back to the battle, the carnage reaped by my own hand but a few hours ago. The way the Hybern soldiers had fallen like stalks of wheat under my magic and Mor's blades. The strike, the fall, the death.

"I sense a disturbance within you, High Lady." I didn't know when or from where Amren had appeared, but for some reason I wasn't surprised.

I glanced over my shoulder at her. She was dressed in her usual attire of loose fitting pants and a shirt. Her silver eyes were about as far away from mortal tonight as I'd seen them, as old and all seeing as the kilometres of mountain below us.

Amren shuffled over to sit beside me, and I considered telling her that I wanted to be alone. But I had the impression that she wouldn't take well to me asking her to leave.

"It's... strange," I answered her at last, staring vacantly at the City of Starlight. I felt those moonstone eyes fixing on me, assessing, searching for something.

"The killing," Amren said carefully.

I nodded, "When I was in the Summer Court, Amren, it was like..." I paused. "It was like I had lost myself amongst all of it. There was this part of me I didn't know was there before, and it took over. I feel like I'm swimming in it still - the death. Like I'm still trying to find my way back to who I thought I was. Before. I... I didn't think it would feel like that."

Amren was still for a long moment, and just when I wondered if she was going to say anything at all, she spoke, "Just how did it feel, Feyre?"

I glanced up, surprised, part of me wondering if that was the first time I'd heard her address me by name. She wanted me to say it, I realised. She wanted me to face it.

I looked back to our city again, and exhaled slowly, "It felt easy."

"It felt easy, and that's what you're scared of. Because you don't feel guilt, you don't feel remorse, and you're afraid that makes you a monster. You're afraid it's taken something from you. That it has taken something from you and that you won't be able to take it back."  
Amren lifted my chin with a finger, forcing me to look at her, "Embrace it, Feyre. Accept the darkness you see inside yourself."

"I do. I'm dealing with it," I glanced up towards the sky, the night breeze caressing my face and running cool fingers through my unbound hair.

"You don't. If you were dealing with it you wouldn't be hiding up here."

"I'm not hiding from anyone. If I had wanted solitude I would have gone to the artist's quarter."

"You're hiding from yourself, and you're going to find no peace in it. Your life has changed, Feyre. You are no longer the huntress, the merchant's daughter. You're High Fae, the High Lady of the most powerful court in Prythian. You are a warrior, and because of this also a killer. It is part of you now, and believe me when I tell you there is nowhere, not a corner in all of this world and those beyond it that you can run to where it won't find you." She didn't look just old then but ancient, the conviction and the power that was lining every inch of her small body reminded me that she had seen it all: all the corners of all those worlds. She knew. She knew in ways that I nor any of the others ever could.

"You need to go beyond acceptance, you need to own that part of yourself. Feel it, cling to it, explore it so thoroughly that you can not only understand it but direct it. Once you control it, you cannot be afraid of it."

We sat there for what felt like a long pause while I contemplated what she had said, "It isn't that easy though, surely. I just keep thinking that perhaps there was some good in some of those Hybern soldiers. They were just ordinary Fae with families and jobs. They could also have been healers, protectors, rescuers to their own people."

"There is good and bad of different quantities in all beings, Feyre, and either is meaningless without the other. That is what those like Hybern and Beron and Amarantha fail to understand. But you will Feyre, I can see it in you. You will."

"But there is still so much that I don't understand. Even with Rhys, there are still things that I can't make sense of. It seems pointless. For all the power I'm supposed to have I can still be so confused. I have to make all these decisions and there are these impossible tasks and I don't know if I can do it. And I want to be High Lady. I want to be with Rhys and I love this city and these people, but I'm terrified of failing them and not being enough for them." I put my head in my hands and sighed.

Amren grabbed my arms and tugged them away from my face, her small hands encircling my wrists, "You are enough for Rhys, and you are enough for me. I believe in you, and I have never once questioned whether Rhys made the right decision in making you High Lady. You are his mate and his equal in every way and you deserve him. You deserve to be High Lady. You deserve us."

I was shocked. For Amren to be so open and bold was rare, and I could see in her face that she meant every word.

"It will take time for you to believe that you've earned your place here. You may never understand all of this and you will not always make the right choices. But it will get easier, after this war is over, it will get easier."

I reached my arms around her to give her a hug, and felt her stiffen.

Amren huffed, "Mortals." But after a moment, she tentatively relaxed into my embrace and copied the gesture.

I pulled back after a moment, and without saying anything more, she left me much in the same way she'd found me. I remained there for a while longer after Amren left, mulling over everything she'd said, and watching the lights of our city far below.


End file.
